Dating Profile (300)

The girls make the first move on Bumble. Yeah, sure. I’ll try it. Dating profile in 300 characters.

Dating Profile (279): You already annoy me.

Delete, delete, delete.

Dating Profile (244): I don’t drink, smoke, drive, have sex, or love children.

Occupation: Nanny

Well, the do not’s are easy, all the things that people have a problem with, that sends them limping away like wounded animals. Oh wait.

Dating Profile (222): Born-again Christian.

There, that usually pisses someone off. Now, I must sell myself. I must appeal to the general male masses of L.A. I skim through the male profiles. I find two trending pieces of critical information on countless profiles. Height and “good vibes.” I add this pertinent information to my own.

Dating Profile (196): 5′ 2.5″ Murderous vibe.

There. I feel I am headed in an excellent direction. Here’s where things get tricky. Obviously, I should be truthful. However, do I display the person that I am at this moment or the person I would be if I made a connection with someone?

If I displayed who I am now?

Dating Profile (2): Haven’t left the apartment in days. My only friend is a 6-month old that makes me gag when she eats solids. I have binged half of Netflix and watch unseemly man-boys play video games on Youtube.

Huh. I am not sure I would attract the right kind of fish with this bait. I mean, let’s be honest, there can be such a thing as being too honest.

Who could I be, to get their attention?

Dating Profile (148): Full-time explorer. Up for anything. Let’s hike,

I already feel exhausted. The problem is that I fairly know what a good amount of these guys would want me to write. Frankly, however, I could never live up to that kind of portrayal. In fact, I feel like my profile would be an anti-profile if I honestly addressed most of the information given in the male profiles.

Dating Profile (-459): I don’t go to the gym. I do yoga in my bedroom because I don’t want to be seen in public in yoga pants. I don’t really like traveling. I like BEING in new places, but getting there is rarely enjoyable. I don’t care about craft beer, most sports, or how tall you are. I am not 420 friendly; I am NOT up for anything, and you just sound exhausting with your hiking, surfing, and alcohol infatuations. Also, I don’t really understand why everyone is obsessed with tacos and “vibes.” If you don’t have anything in your profile, don’t bother. If you don’t have a shirt on in your profile picture, swipe left. How are you all not dead yet, and what am I even doing on here?!?

What am I even doing? Writing my dating profile makes me rethink whether or not I even want to be dating right now. I’ve become bitter and impatient with the modern tradition. I signed up for an app that gives me the power, but I might not even want it. Well, no matter the existential relationship question, I need to complete this deceivingly warped challenge. Me, in 300 characters.

Dating Profile (6):

Born-again Christian. 5′ 2.5″ Murderous vibe (INTJ). I love to write, read, and dance but can only do one competently. Bookstores and cafes. I can be cold and logical. I’ve been told it’s intimidating. I like adventures, but I like the calm, too.

I don’t drink, smoke, drive, have sex, or love children. 

Me, in 300 characters. It’s not enough, but it won’t ever be enough. I have to converse, reach out and understand what’s out there. The profile isn’t perfect; it might not make much sense, but I am tired. I’m sure I’ll change it multiple times, even though it may be awhile before I am ready to live up to its existence.






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